The people quoted here are listed alphabetically

Corporal Agarn, F Troop	He who quits and runs away will live to quit another day.
A. Whitney Brown	I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Albert Einstein	A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
Angie Dickinson	My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Barbara Bush	“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Benjamin Franklin	“Anyone who trades liberty for security deserves neither liberty nor security”
Bette Davis	Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bill Cosby	A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby	Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Billy Connolly	“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”
	“The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?”
	“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..”
	“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”
	“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.”
	“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
	“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.”
	“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”
Billy Crystal	“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Bob Hope	A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Brendan Behan	“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.”
Casey Stengel	All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Cathy Guisewite	Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Charles M. Schulz	I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles Smith	"The cocktail party is a device for paying off obligations to people you don't want to invite for dinner."
Claude Pepper	A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Dennis Miller	I rant, therefore I am.
Douglas Adams	The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing which cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair
E. B. White	Be obscure clearly.
Edward Abbey	New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York?
	A life without tragedy would not be worth living.
Erma Bombeck	A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
	Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle	"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Fran Lebowitz	Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fred Allen	California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
	I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Frederick William Kantor	Although a wise man might urge that one suffer fools gladly, this should not be construed as license for any fool to demand that one do so.
George Bernard Shaw	A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
	"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."
George Burns	I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Groucho Marx	A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
	Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Harry Chapin	Reality is only just a word.
Henry A. Kissinger	Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
	There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Herbert Hoover	All men are equal before fish.
Hesiod	Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hillary Clinton	I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Imelda Marcos	I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President	"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
	"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
	"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
	"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
	"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."
	"The future will be better tomorrow."
	"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
	"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
	"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
	"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
J. Edgar Hoover	I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
Jay Leno	Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay London	I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jerry Lewis	Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jimmy Buffett	"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
Joan Rivers	I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
	If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joe E. Lewis	I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
John Lennon	“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans”
	“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.”
	“Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.”
	“Everything is clearer when you're in love.”
	“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”
	“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot”
	“I get by with a little help from my friends”
John Steinbeck	Lord, how the day passes! It's like a life - so quickly when we don't watch it, and so slowly if we do.
Josh Groban	“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.”
Kermit the Frog	Time's fun when you're having flies.
Kevin Nealon	A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Les Dawson	“My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
	“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
	“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.”
	“He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.”
	“Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.”
Mae West	Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
	I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Margaret Smith	My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone, “What are you looking at?”
Mark Twain	Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mike Myers	My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Milton Berle	Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail	Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Norman Wisdom	I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Oscar Wilde	The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
	“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
	“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”
	“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
	“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”
	"As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him."
P. J. O'Rourke	Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
	Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
	Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Paul Lynde	I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paula Poundstone	I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Rita Rudner	In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Robert Benchley	I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert McCloskey	“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Rodney Dangerfield	I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Samuel Goldwyn	I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Spike Milligan	My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Stephen Fry	I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Steven Wright	I broke a mirror. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me 5.
	In the woods a saw a rabbit with a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
	A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
	I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
	I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone.
	I put instant coffee into a microwave oven. I almost went backin time.
	I have lots of hobbies which I pursue to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches across the world. Maybe you've seen it. I also collect rare photos. I have a very rare photo of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
	I got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
The Doctor, Doctor Who	A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting.
Thomas Edison	Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Thoreau	Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Tracy Ullman	I think serial monogamy says it all.
W. C. Fields	I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
	I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Walt Disney	I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
William E. Geist, The New York Times	Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekland of Yonkers, it was not until the end of World War II that the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were made by other flamingos.
Winston Churchill	“'You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk. 'Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.”
	Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
	“I am easily satisfied with the very best.”
	"A sheep in sheep's clothing"
	"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"
Woody Allen	It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
	“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”
	“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
	“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”
	“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
	“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
	“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
Yogi Berra	A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
	I never said most of the things I said.